Anne…. it’s my name. I considered putting in something about an anthropomorphic aardvark but it seemed a little too kindergarten learning to me. I was gonna make it awful, but I’m just fucking tired so I went unimaginative.

Bingley, B, and Biddy — the names of my parent’s cats, which gets confusing sometimes.

Cats. What else did you think this would be? I like cats.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelite

Egbert as in John Egbert. Ride the wind, kid.

Farts……….. I talk about farts a lot. I also fart a lot. But not at work, because I get stage fright.

Grapes….. people like them.

Homestuck… as in I am 100% Homestuck trash. All Homestucks everywhere go AAYYYYYY.

I have no idea what I’m doing at any given time ever.

J K Rowling….????? No, wait…. Jade Harley, my favorite Homestuck kids. FUCK YEAH!

Kay…. what I say after someone says stuff to me when I’m not listening.

Leek quiche death plague…. or how I gave myself food poisoning by leaving a microwave quiche meal out on the counter when I visited my sister. I never had quiche before so I was unaware that it had egg in it. I learned this later after I got sick as balls.

Moombas, which were in one of my favorite games ever. Final Fantasy VIII

New Leaf, which is the new Animal Crossing game that I’m playing right now and it’s taking up all my time.

Operation Eevee Quest which will begin anew once Pokemon: Sapphire comes out. I finished the current Eevee quest when I finished Pokemon: Y.

Pooka which is what Harvey is and that is incidentally my favorite Jimmy Stuart movie.

Quiche (see leek quiche death)

Roxy Lalonde…. another favorite character from Homestuck, who I like to cosplay all the time because she’s rad as fuck.

Shit.

Tumblr…. where I blog about dumb stuff and cry a lot about fandom crap and shit.

Uvula, better known as that flappy thing in the back of your throat.

Vivi the black mage…. my favorite character from FF 9 which I did not play on account of hating the card minigame. Fuck that game.

WinGARdium LevIOsa

XKit guy, who is just the best. I love XKit guy.

Z…..????

I can’t stop watching this GIF: CLICK FOR FLAILING

I keep putting new songs on and then I watch Dave twitch. Lady Gaga works. Selena works (Quintanilla, btw, not the other one). Shit, let’s try Verka Serduchka. Not quite as well. It’s still amusing, but it isn’t perfect. The song the original artist intended works best, of course:MUSIC TO FLAIL TO!

This selection from one of the more recent Eurovision contests also works:EUROVISION GO!

It’s particularly hilarious when they get to the chorus.

Here’s the original artwork that inspired all my flail based amusement:MOAR FLAILING!

Also, all my youtube commercials are now in Spanish. Just an interesting tidbit that I find curious. Too much Selena? Maybe. But I’ve also been OD-ing on Edith Piaf and I haven’t gotten any French commercials yet. Maybe I just have to try harder.

 

Bluh

17/03/2012

A woman rubs a lottery ticket furiously. The nickel she’s scraping against the thick paper is leaving grimy bits of silver shit to fall into her lap. She stops long enough to take a drag from the cigarette balanced precariously in her other hand.

I look at her, trying not to be too obvious about it. Her eyes are focused on the ticket which is pressed against the steering wheel as she scratches and scratches and scratches. She stops to push a bit of bleached blond hair back behind her ear with her cigarette hand. Those hands, large and mannish with blunt nails that haven’t been cleaned in ages, it seems. A working person’s hands. Her pock marked face, dark from sun damage. She’s probably never been considered beautiful, and it makes me vaguely sad.

What is her life like? Why does she look so angry at that lottery ticket? Is that because it’s a losing ticket or is it something else? Did her husband piss her off or maybe it was her kids? Did she marry young and now she regrets it? Maybe she had a passel of kids and left her dreams behind and this is all that’s left? I’m probably reading into things and I’m feeling like I’m making an educated person’s judgement, and then I feel a bit guilty. Maybe this was just a bit of fun or a way to get some extra laundry money or something? If so, it’s kind of not a good idea.

I want to tell her that lottery tickets are white trash IRAs that only ever gives you a minimal return. It costs more than it ever gives, and the likelihood that it’ll ever pay off is… well, pretty unlikely. They’re a tax on people who are bad at math, at best. But I don’t. I just turn away and continue writing, looking forward to my slushy and perhaps a lap-full of cat. We pull out.

She’s still in the car, ruminating on that ticket and talking on a cell phone.

Huh.

That’s really sad for some reason.

Owl Cup

24/01/2012

My eyes focus in and out on the bromeliad on the end table. Green and red winking in and out sort of like Christmas lights but not really. I see the shape and form. The color and texture, the smooth highlights shaping the leaves, petals, as they sink into dirt. I want to touch a leaf, but my hands are too busy working, trying, desperately, to capture what I see before my brain runs out of words.

The flower spike looks like a penis.

All the while, I’m half listening to the President. More than anything, my attention is diverted by my husband and my parent’s orange cat. Amber eyes meet mine. He squints and turns away, content as my husband’s fingers dig deep into fur to give a good skritch.

Why aren’t we so easily pleased?

I wish I had whiskers. Not, like, a beard, but whiskers like a cat. Who knows? It might come in handy.

So, I got thinking about television shows and their themes from when I was a kid and how there were certain shows I only ever watched for the opening credits, or for some other goofy reasons. Plus my favorite shows.In no particular order.

Yes, this is a completely pointless post wherein I indulge my own need to wallow in nostalgia.

Jem — This is actually my favorite opening 80s cartoon theme. And it’s also my favorite show.

Thundercats — Gosh, wasn’t that exciting?!!

Talespin — Best Disney spinoff show EVER.

Animaniacs — Best animated show “for kids” EVER.

Tiny Toon Adventures — On the list not only because it was awesome, but also because THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS.

Darkwing Duck — There was one episode of this show that was so fucking funny I almost choked, but I forgot what it was about…

Freakazoid — A cartoon that was clearly NOT for children and yet was marketed to children. Makes perfect sense.

Alvin and the Chipmunks — While, on the whole, I don’t approve of anything chipmunk related, the theme song was fun.

Heathcliff —  I actually fucking hated this show, but I liked the theme, plus it was about cats so I was sort of required by every part of my soul to watch. FUCKING WORDSWORTH. I hated that cat. HATED HIM. Stupid fucking rhyming cat on roller-skates. Whoever thought that up should be punched.

David the Gnome — I put this on here for pure spite, because I hate this show so much. It’s creepy and boring. I always felt like I was being felt up by this show. When it came on, you knew that there was pretty much nothing else to watch because you were watching David the Gnome. If you like this show, seek professional counseling.

Dungeons and Dragons — You know your show is in trouble when you don’t have a theme song so much as a minute long bit of exposition to explain the plot of your crappy cartoon. Also, this show was cancelled before the storyline saw any kind of conclusion. They are still there, trapped in the Dungeons and Dragons world, never to escape. They will grow old and die there. I only tuned in every week to see if the Cavalier and/or Uni would die. They never did, the bastards.

Muppet Babies — A fun, if a bit overly saccharine, show. The theme is also kinda cute.

A Pup Named Scooby Doo — The thing I liked best about this show was Velma’s walk cycle. I still find it mildly amusing.

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors and Turbo Teen — I find both of these shows really, profoundly disturbing. That’s right. No past tense. I found both shows to be upsetting when I was a kid and my opinion has not changed with time.  To be fair to Jayce, the theme song is kinda cool in a hair band sort of way.

The Real Ghostbusters vs GhostBusters — Due to a copyright issue, the planned animated version of the movie Ghostbusters had to add “The Real” in front of it because the guys who made Puff n’ Stuff had an earlier claim to the name. They had made a show called GhostBusters and very few people cared. Then 1984 happened and the Ghostbusters we know and love came out and it was good. Then… merchandising happened. Everyone wanted a piece of that fried gold. So the Puff n’ Stuff people dragged their shitty version from underneath whatever monumental hole they’d buried it in and made a cartoon that confused and enraged a generation. Everyone that’s around my age had this same experience. You were looking for the Real Ghostbusters and somehow… you instead found yourself watching GhostBusters.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT?!

What the fuck is wrong with that show? Who the fuck is the blond guy? Why is that idiot in aviator glasses? WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE A GORILLA HELPING THEM?!!

God, I’m so agravated now… I need to cleanse the palate. I need something awesome. GOZILLA! Except for the fact that it really had very little to do with the Japanese film franchise except for the name. I’ll forgive it because GODZILLA!

Galaxy High — God, this show sucked. Another show that felt it needed to explain the premise, because it was too fucked up to understand otherwise. Seriously. That show was messed up.

Let’s listen to Jem again. I don’t want to hate the world. JEM IS EXCITMENT! JEM IS ADVENTURE! JEM IS TRULY OUTRAGEOUS!

 

 

 

Snippets Pt. 2

25/12/2011

Sitting on a couch that vaguely smelt of dog, writing and contemplating how warm it was, she looks outside at the reflection of the ceiling fan and wonders.

The street, unsurprisingly, was empty. It was Christmas, after all. Even if the weather was mild, who would be walking anywhere today? Where would they walk to? Nowhere. This is America.

Life goes on — a circadian rhythm that repeated endlessly for eighty years or more, if you were lucky.

TICK TICK TACK

The sound of a dog’s nails on the bare floors. This is why I like cats.

Lights reflected.

Swirling…

Am I being pretentious?

Probably.

But anyone who writes down their random thoughts most likely suffers a bit of pretention.

It’s unavoidable. Just a part of the human condition.

We must suffer our big heads.

Hand to her chin, she tells her son, for the thousanth time, that his brother was coming later. It’s what he told her. That’s all she knows.

Children — les enfants terrible. She shivers and goes back to her writing, looking forward to home and cats that smell like cotton candy.

She shows the child the view out the window, feeling more alive watching this new, unformed person experience the world for the first time. The child communicates with what few words she knows. Gurgling happily as she points at something out the window. Large eyes looking out, she’s happy at knowing what something is. Putting words to to form.

God, this blanket stinks.

He reclines on the couch, allowing his wife to fuss over the children. How easily we seem to fill roles that were packaged by our forefathers. Never questioned. One in a long line of men fulfilling this duty to do nothing, relegating care to their wives and mothers and sisters. To watch sports and drink beer and not really care about much else.

Secretly, she’s glad she married her husband. A man who has no interest in sports or beer… who brings her joy and cares for her above all else. She knew, if he became a father, there would be no reclining. And she looks forward to tonight… returning to their little apartment to join him in another quiet night together. Her writing, him editing or playing a video game. Their cat — their cranky, angry cat, who would yell at them for being away so long.

God, this blanket reeks.

Fucking dogs.

——

Written on Christmas day. Just some weird observations that for some reason I wrote down. It’s sort of a stream of consciousness thing. Hopefully not too confusing.

Also, ducks.

15/11/2011

She had been amazed that she found the rubber cigar. It was hidden behind a wall of junk, overfull with plastic bags and bottles waiting to be recycled. She had never been so lucky.

A woman wades out into the water, desperately trying to avoid reeds and algae that choked the shore. This was why she hated swimming in lakes. Sure, there were no sharks, but the squishiness between her toes was far more disturbing.

An old man babbles incessantly, ruminating on the nothing that is his life, unaware of his own relative purposelessness.

Does that make any sense?

 

Also, ducks

—-

She takes a picture, not really knowing why she’s doing it. To preserve or to document the pointless drama of life that means so much to her, but so little to anyone else.

A thousand years from now and what will archaeologists think?

One dog barks and another returns it.

“HEY! HOW ARE YOU?”

“HEY! I’M GREAT! JUST LICKED MY ASS! IT WAS AWESOME!”

“AWESOME!”

Just to be clear, I have no idea where any of these… whatever they are came from. I’ve been having trouble writing full prose and these really aren’t poetry at all, so I’m not sure what they are. I guess the closest they come to are weird little vignettes that popped into my head when I was at Gun Lake and I couldn’t swim because my body hates me. 

Because fuck rules and I’m too lazy and easily distracted to remember to do this shit every single day for a month. Too much work.

day 01 – your favorite song

Biddi Biddi Bom Bom by Selena/ Dancing Lasha Tumbai by Verka Serduchka

We don’t have that much time or that much space because I have A LOT of favorite songs. (Note: There’s a bit at the beginning of Lasha Tumbai where they’re discribing the controversy surrounding this song — not sure why Santa is playing chess with a hippo, must be a European thing that I just don’t get. )

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that Verka Serduchka’s “Dancing Lasha Tumbai” is an adequate song to use to describe me as a whole. If you take Lasha Tumbai and Biddi Biddi Bom Bom and smoosh them together, you pretty much have a window into what goes on in my head at all times.

day 02 – your least favorite song

Anything by Taylor Swift, especially Love Story — *barf*. I fucking hate this song and Taylor Swift. She represents everything I want to destroy.

day 03 – a song that makes you happy 

Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) by Shakira

How can you NOT be happy with Shakira spinning around like a crazy little whirlygig. In fact, it makes me so happy that I’m having a hard time not listening to it again.

day 04 – a song that makes you sad

Non, je ne regrette rein by Édith Piaf

La Môme Piaf can wring your heart with just one note. I LOVE THIS SONG.

day 05 – a song that reminds you of someone

Trapped in the Drive-thru by Weird Al Yankovic

This reminds me of my husband…. and myself. This song is us as an entity.

day 06 – a song that reminds you of somewhere

La boulette by Diam’s

This reminds me of Ju, Jane & Paris.

day 07 – a song that reminds you of a certain event

Another First Kiss by They Might Be Giants

This reminds me of my husband and my wedding!

day 08 – a song that you know all the words to

I actually should have put Biddi Biddi Bom Bom here as well, as I know all the lyrics to that song. Anyway, here’s Telephone by Lady Gaga (ft. Beyonce).

day 09 – a song that you can dance to

Rip This Joint by The Rolling Stones

Step 1.) Put this song on. Step 2.) TURN THE VOLUME THE SHIT UP. Step 3.) Dance.

day 10 – a song that makes you fall asleep 

Sleepwalkers by They Might Be Giants

day 11 – a song from your favorite band

Birdhouse in Your Soul by They Might Be Giants

day 12 – a song from a band you hate

Daughter by Pearl Jam

I fucking hate Pearl Jam.

day 13 – a song that is a guilty pleasure 

Crazy by Britney Spears

Truth be told, most of my listening tastes tend towards guilty pleasures but I’m okay with that.

day 14 – a song that no one would expect you to love 

I Will Always Love You by Dolly Parton

In general, I have a blind fucking hatred of country music, but I FUCKING LOVE DOLLY PARTON. Plus, this is the song that Whitney Houston ruined. Listen to it as it was meant to be — sung by the sweetest fucking diva of all country music.

Also, “Because the Night” by Patti Smith.

day 15 – a song that describes you 

Go to number one and you’ve got it… but you can add “No One Knows My Plan” or “Till My Head Falls Off”  by They Might Be Giants to make the picture clearer.

day 16 – a song that you used to love but now hate 

See, this doesn’t happen to me that often. In fact, this happened in reverse. I hated “Losing My Religon” by R.E.M but then it got played again and again and again on the radio and then I saw the video and it changed my mind with the cool art references.

day 17 – a song that you hear often on the radio

It’s a race between ET by Katy Perry and Born This Way by Lady Gaga.

day 18 – a song that you wish you heard on the radio

Istanbul, (Not Constantinople) by They Might Be Giants

day 19 – a song from your favorite album

ONE of my favorite albums. Why Does the Sun Shine? by They Might Be Giants

day 20 – a song that you listen to when you’re angry 

Violet by Hole

day 21 – a song that you listen to when you’re happy

Fuck.. didn’t we cover this? Um… L’amour amor à la francaise by Les Fatals Picards

day 22 – a song that you listen to when you’re sad

God dammit. Piece of My Heart by Big Brother and the Holding Company

Janis just rips your heart out in this song.

day 23 – a song that you want to play at your wedding

Fuck you, survey. This is a song that WAS played at my wedding: “The Time Warp” from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

day 24 – a song that you want to play at your funeral

Supermodel by Ru Paul

If this song is not played at my funeral with a bevy of GORGEOUS drag queens sashaying up and down past the casket, I will be SEVERELY disappointed.

day 25 – a song that makes you laugh

The Saga Begins by Weird Al Yankovic

I picked this one because not only is it hilarious, but whenever I hear “American Pie” I think about “The Saga Begins” and then it makes me laugh more. In fact, when I hear “American Pie”, I sing the lyrics to “The Saga Begins”.

day 26 – a song that you can play on an instrument

Memory from the musical Cats

I can play this song on the piano… very, very badly. (Also, doesn’t Elaine Paige just kick your ass with her awesome?? Spoiler alert! It totally does.)

day 27 – a song that you wish you could play

Let it Be by The Beatles

Specifically, I wish I could play the kick-ass guitar part in the middle.

day 28 – a song that makes you feel guilty

What the… WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?? HOW CAN A SONG MAKE YOU FEEL GUITLY?? Okay… I guess I’ll go with “Kick Start My Heart” by Motley Crue because it is objectively a terrible song by a terrible band but I kind of like it. This is sort of like the guilty pleasure question earlier. The survey maker clearly has no imagination and ran out of ideas and started repeating shit like Godek. (That reference is just for Scott & William, you know what I’m talking about.)

Also, I suppose I should include “Love The Way You Lie” by Eminem ft. Rihanna, because Eminem is a homophobic asshat BUT I LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG. (Guilt, I has it.)

day 29 – a song from your childhood 

This is a tie between “Yellow Submarine” by the Beatles and “So What” by Miles Davis

Yellow Submarine was my very first record album when I was a kid. And my dad used to play jazz music and stuff when I was a kid and I vividly remember “So What” because it was so mellow — to this day I hear it and think about quiet Sundays.

day 30 – your favorite song at this time last year

Another tie between “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga and “Super Girl” by Super Junior-M

Paris 12-30-2010

30/04/2011

12-30-10

Woke up late again… but eventually we dragged ass to the Louvre. It is huuuuuge.

First, we made our way towards the Dutch painters. This was a great choice as hardly any people were there. (In France, they get quite a bit of time off for Christmas, so there were loads of people at the Louvre. Most of them, of course, were there to see the Mona Lisa, hence why we stayed clear of the Italian painters.)

I saw some Vermeers!! So excited! Vermeer is one of my most favorite painters. His use of light is simply brilliant. I took a picture of one, “The Lace-maker”. I tried to take a picture of the other one, but the glare was quite substantial.

Tooled around in Dutch painting for awhile, then we made our way to Egypt. I took loads of pictures here, as I’m a huge fan of early Egyptian art. I took pictures until we were too tired to look at things, which is an easy thing to do in the Louvre.

Srsly. The Louvre does this to you. Your eyes can no longer handle looking at art, even if you really love art like I do. There is simply too much art. I know… I didn’t think it possible either but it’s true.

Jane began to babble about losing her crackers and the Pope’s jizz (???), she called it Papal jelly. Evidently, the Pope was smearing his Papal jelly all over her crackers and she couldn’t eat them and therefore was sad/insane because of it. We quickly retired to a fancy tea shop with a rude waiter who gave permanent sex eyes to the room.

Then the trip home…. the trip home, it was HELLISH. There was an “accident with a passenger” happened at our metro stop (#4 Port d’Orleans). ** They wouldn’t let us through, because of this, so we had to find an alternate route. Jane figured we could take the RER and then find a bus to get us the rest of the way.

So, we went to the nearest RER stop and we waited. First train comes and it’s way too full. So we wait for another. Second train comes and we get on — or, more correctly, are PUSHED onto the train, nearly squishing this poor woman’s baby in its stroller. Jane and I braced each other and managed not to fall, but it was really close. The whole trip was a sardine crazy train to hell.

Jane and I were both flustered beyond belief. We pushed our way out at the stop and decided to check if #4 on the regular metro was okay and THANK GOD it was.

We made it home — sweaty, tired and stressed out. I spotted a place that sold pizza and we went there to eat. It was a great choice, a place called Planet Food. I had a big greasy hamburger and fries, and Jane had pizza. I felt so much better afterwards.

We had a fun argument about ‘80s hair on the way home. So tired. Gonna watch eps of Project Runway and forget.

♥ Anne

P.S. Once on the RER, we were stopped for several minutes because someone had a seizure on the platform. YAY!

** Jane says that accident with a passenger pretty much means that someone either jumped or was pushed onto the tracks and died or was horribly injured. Most likely died.

Paris 12-29-2010

12/02/2011

Went to the Museum of Hunting and Nature today(http://www.chassenature.org/site_musee/musee-home.html — it’s in French, sorry); what a great museum. It had all sorts of taxidermy animals and guns and such. Each room was dedicated to a different animal that you either hunt or hunt with, so there was a room for boars & stags, rooms for owls & wolves, rooms for horses & dogs, etc. There was even a small closet sized room for unicorns… which seemed entirely dedicated to pretending as if they were real. (This would be a great place to take a small child, just saying.)

Anyway, there was a room at the top with this neat gorilla exhibit.  It had two gorillas flanking this art installation piece. I took a picture of the explanation as there was NO way for me to remember it all, and even then, you can barely see the words in the picture. Suffice it to say, the artist’s statement about this installation was epic.

Also, there were all these hidden things that Jane knew about because she’d been there a hundred times with Ju — who had been there a bajillion times himself and therefore knew all sorts of cool secrets. There was a tiny painting of a mouse hidden in a corner behind some curtains. There were little dog paw prints in the faux brick work before you enter the room dedicated to dogs (not to mention the cool dog whistle closet). The best part was the trophy room!! Jane left me in there for a minute to talk to the security guard and a few minutes later this stuffed boar head started to snuffle and grunt… AND TALK IN FRENCH! It was great.

The only bummer was that the last room at the top, I managed to lose my lens cap in an exhibit and we had to get a security guard to get it out. I was so embarrassed. I was leaning in to take a picture and it fell right out. I watched it fall in slow-mo and as it hit, I said, “whoops!” Jane was nice enough to find someone and explain the situation, but boy oh boy…

Anyway, afterward we met Ju and went to this excellent little Chinese restaurant. I had some pork dumplings — SO GOOD!!

♥ Anne